11 Year-Old Kelly's Theory on How to Get Boys to Like You

From age 10 to 13 or 14, I scribbled down the excruciating details of my crushes and secret emotions into the thinly-lined pages of a fuzzy, green MTV diary. Exhibit A:

I’ve selected some of my most poignant words of wisdom, lessons that can still be applied to any modern day crush.

Note: In italics are the actual words, complete with misspellings, found in my diary (except for names which have been changed to protect the innocent).  Everything else is from my 26 year-old brain.

Lesson #1: Understand the nuanced differences of attractiveness

Now I’ll talk about boys. That’s right, B for baby, O for obnoctious, Y for yappy, and S for sweet. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t apply to all boys. Cuties in my class are Teddy, Gene, Mort, Douglas and Jimmy. Some others are nice, but not cute. These boys aren’t all adorable or hot, but cute.

​Lesson #2: 11  years old and single = spinster

I’m single and have been for my whole life. That’s right, never had a boyfriend. At 11, people might think it’s a young age to be “going out” or dating. But almost everyone in my 5th grade has or did have a girl/boy friend, are at least has called a boy! I’ve talked to 1 boy on the phone, but never called one.

Lesson #3: Boys like it when you’re nice. Give them quarters.

I think boys like it when you’re nice. At recess, Mort and Teddy didn’t want to referee for HR basketball, so Louise said she would. “Thanks Louise, you’re wicked nice!” Mort called to her. “Louise is nice. Yesterday she gave me a quarter…” he went on, whispering to Teddy.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna be nice to everyone to make boys maybe like me.

Lesson #4: The subtle hints that indicate that a guy likes you

Douglas was making fun of me, so in line I said to Linda, “I don’t even want to look at that filthy… thing.” Douglas called me a thing back, and now that’s what he calls me (or he did for a while).

Linda thinks Douglas likes me. I think so too. She says he’s always looking at me, but I don’t think he’s always looking at me. You can tell he likes me. Susie thinks he likes me, too.

At gym today, Douglas threw this circle thing on the ground at me for no reason. That’s when Susie said, “I think Douglas likes you.”

Lesson #5: When all else fails, just kick him in the leg

At recess, me and Linda  played basketball as usual, boys vs. girls. There were like 5 girls and 10 boys. Somehow me and Lin ended up the only girls playing, and boys got hoop after hoop. Some girls came in and played, but we still sucked. Tina told me to kick Bob cuz she was mad at him. I didn’t until he was in one of those big mobs when everyone tries to grab the ball from the other person,  even from the same team. He was taking it from Linda, and I kicked him in the leg and he backed away and limped, hugging his probably bruised leg.

Basketball at recess is very violent and unorganized.