It’s a hot summer day in Cambridge, MA and I’m on my way to meet Gordon, an OkCupid candidate with a scrawny build and a mutual love of the guitar. This is one of those dates I agreed to go on because I thought I could be friends with the guy— we could play music! Start a band! — but had no actual attraction to him. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I know. Alas, I was young and hopeful, and maybe he just takes bad pictures and isn’t as weird and punk as he appears in his profile and also his blue eyes don’t look hideous?
I approach our meeting spot, an Irish pub in my ‘hood. I spot a figure that I quickly realize is Gordon and nearly run away. He’s wearing jorts, which are 4-5X tighter than my tightest pants, a janitor’s amount of keys hanging from of his belt loop, and a bandana that’s decorated with a cobweb design, rolled into a headband. I don’t even know if my 8th-grade punk-boy infatuated self would’ve been into it. Because, instead of acting too-cool-for-school or like he gives zero fucks and all that other alternative punk crap, he’s awkward as shit.
I approach our meeting spot, an Irish pub in my ‘hood. I spot a figure that I quickly realize is Gordon and nearly run away. He’s wearing jorts, which are 4-5X tighter than my tightest pants, a janitor’s amount of keys hanging from of his belt loop, and a bandana that’s decorated with a cobweb design, rolled into a headband. I don’t even know if my 8th-grade punk-boy infatuated self would’ve been into it. Because, instead of acting too-cool-for-school or like he gives zero fucks and all that other alternative punk crap, he’s awkward as shit.
 Unlike this fella, Gordon didn't look badass at all with his bandana. I mean it had cobwebs on it. |  But like more keys than this. |
Let me explain.
We enter the bar and after a few minutes of chatting, he interrupts our already slow and awkward conversation to point out how awkward he is. And not in an endearing way. “Sorry, I’m just so awkward on first dates. I hate how awkward I am. Sorry, I’m just super awkward.” uhDUHHHH
Nudging things beyond the point of discomfort, I learn that he's the UNCLE of an acquaintance of mine. Because, turns out, he's actually 50 years old.
TOTALLY kidding. He was in his late twenties and his older sister's daughter was closer in age to him than his own sister. Still, kinda weird, especially since this acquaintance was a little cray cray.
A short time later, he goes into the bathroom for 20 minutes. TWENTY. MINUTES. Returns with the cobweb bandana in hand and says, “I don’t know why I wore this.”
I then order nachos because I’m ravenous. He picks at the chips like a bird and casually mentions that he “barely eats.”
At one point, he gestures his awkward hand and knocks over his beer glass, which shatters on the ground. Flustered, he timidly tries to pick up the tiny glass pieces with his bare hands and is yelled at by the bartender to stop.
The date, though over before it really began, is finally and miraculously coming to an end and he drives me home. His way of saying goodbye? A good old-fashioned hand shake. As if we just had a business meeting and not an excruciatingly awkward date
To all of you online-daters out there, promise me you won’t go on a date with someone when you have zero intent to actually consider dating the person. It’ll be awkward.
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