What's the worst pickup line that's ever been used on you? That you've ever tried?
I love asking this question and sharing my own ridiculous answers. Behold, some of my favorite pickup lines and tactics used by real men on me and my friends. Spoiler alert: not one of these attempts was a success.
I love asking this question and sharing my own ridiculous answers. Behold, some of my favorite pickup lines and tactics used by real men on me and my friends. Spoiler alert: not one of these attempts was a success.
The Creeps
It's a steamy June night in NYC and my two female colleagues and I sit at a table while our male colleague fetches us drinks at the bar. A scrawny, definitely-too-young-for-us-even-if-we-were-interested male approaches our table and sits his rump right down.
"Hi. I'm Creeper," he announces.
We ladies exchange glances, a mixture of confusion and revulsion. Creeper's friend sits down next to him.
"And this is Creeper Senior."
We don't even attempt to entertain his dumb line. Our 6'5" male colleague approaches with an armful of beers, and the Creepers scatter like cockroaches.
A Bold Bet
I'm at a crowded bar in Boston with a group of friends. My bangs are blunt, my lips are red, and I'm feeling flirty. So I warmly welcome the glances I'm receiving from two dudes a few tables away. The cute one approaches me. I put on my sultriest smile and brace myself for what I hope is a charming opener.
"I hope this doesn't offend you, but... are you Asian?"
Not quite what I expected. "Um... No."
He replies: "Okay, yeah didn't think so. Thanks, you just won me $10!"
And he walks away. Apparently, he and his buddy made a bet that I was Asian, he believing the opposite. Pro tip, fellas: if you win $10 because you were correct about what race a girl is not, at least buy her a drink.
The Motorboater
A few friends and I are dancing it up at a divey dance bar in LA, one of those places that has a Wheel of Fortune style wheel that you can spin to win free Jagerbombs. We’re happily grooving to the music, just us girls, when a dude starts chatting with my friend. They start to dance, but not long after I notice my friend’s face clearly reads: “Help.”
She and the dude stop dancing, and I ask her what happened.
“Um.. he told me he wanted to motorboat me.”
Aw HAIL naw. My maternal / body guard instincts kick in. The guy approaches our group again, and I get in his face, like a ratchet girl on Flavor of Love, and yell: “Get the FUCK away from my friend!” Pretty sure there was some finger-pointing right in his stupid face which would never be smushed between two breasts.
I was so amped up, adrenaline pumping, feeling so protective, that when the motorboater’s friend passed my group -- simply on his way to the bar -- I pushed him. Like a rude little fucking toddler. Shove his whole body with two hands. Let’s just say no one got laid that night.
Bonus! Moar pickup lines
A few friends shared their own pickup line delights. (I didn’t ask if they were okay with me using their actual names so I renamed them.)
Gerard: “I feel like the worst pickup lines I've used were forced, joyless literary references. Like ‘How did you like 100 Years of Solitude?’ Who cares what a stranger thinks about something like this? Is this homework? If you find yourself sending that to people online, just take a break; you're not having fun anymore, and neither are they.”
Annie: “This was used on me once. Obviously it didn't work out in his favor. ‘You remind me of soup. I like soup.’ I literally responded: ‘Excuse me?’ and then he smiled and walked away."
Charlotte: “Recently I had someone say, 'There are hotter girls in this bar but I can't seem to stop looking at you.' Sort of a compliment sort of an insult. Creating confusion could be a good tactic.”
Yvonne: “This guy wrote a love letter/poem to my friend in college that included the line ‘I'll give you memories to make the best damn patronus this world has ever seen’ and ‘I want to love you like otters holding hands.’
Cynthia: "You look like an Eastern European kitty cat."
Tina: "Best was when I was in my local corner store: 'You got a thick ass.' Runner-up: a potentially schizophrenic homeless man screaming at me, 'Yo, boo! Let me get a shot at the title!!!'"
Brenda: "You're just so cute, I want to put you in my pocket and take you home with me."
"You have really cute knees."
A few friends and I are dancing it up at a divey dance bar in LA, one of those places that has a Wheel of Fortune style wheel that you can spin to win free Jagerbombs. We’re happily grooving to the music, just us girls, when a dude starts chatting with my friend. They start to dance, but not long after I notice my friend’s face clearly reads: “Help.”
She and the dude stop dancing, and I ask her what happened.
“Um.. he told me he wanted to motorboat me.”
Aw HAIL naw. My maternal / body guard instincts kick in. The guy approaches our group again, and I get in his face, like a ratchet girl on Flavor of Love, and yell: “Get the FUCK away from my friend!” Pretty sure there was some finger-pointing right in his stupid face which would never be smushed between two breasts.
I was so amped up, adrenaline pumping, feeling so protective, that when the motorboater’s friend passed my group -- simply on his way to the bar -- I pushed him. Like a rude little fucking toddler. Shove his whole body with two hands. Let’s just say no one got laid that night.
Bonus! Moar pickup lines
A few friends shared their own pickup line delights. (I didn’t ask if they were okay with me using their actual names so I renamed them.)
Gerard: “I feel like the worst pickup lines I've used were forced, joyless literary references. Like ‘How did you like 100 Years of Solitude?’ Who cares what a stranger thinks about something like this? Is this homework? If you find yourself sending that to people online, just take a break; you're not having fun anymore, and neither are they.”
Annie: “This was used on me once. Obviously it didn't work out in his favor. ‘You remind me of soup. I like soup.’ I literally responded: ‘Excuse me?’ and then he smiled and walked away."
Charlotte: “Recently I had someone say, 'There are hotter girls in this bar but I can't seem to stop looking at you.' Sort of a compliment sort of an insult. Creating confusion could be a good tactic.”
Yvonne: “This guy wrote a love letter/poem to my friend in college that included the line ‘I'll give you memories to make the best damn patronus this world has ever seen’ and ‘I want to love you like otters holding hands.’
Cynthia: "You look like an Eastern European kitty cat."
Tina: "Best was when I was in my local corner store: 'You got a thick ass.' Runner-up: a potentially schizophrenic homeless man screaming at me, 'Yo, boo! Let me get a shot at the title!!!'"
Brenda: "You're just so cute, I want to put you in my pocket and take you home with me."
"You have really cute knees."
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